Amidst a somewhat downer of a week (this week just would not end, I swear!) I find myself a little bit like a phoenix. That’s sorta corny, but I really do. I had a bit of a low this week and I’m not really even sure where it came from or why but I was just feeling really lonely and isolated. I guess as I’m getting older my entire mindset is changing. I like being single. I’m independent and I don’t like to rely on others to get by but even independent people like myself occasionally longs for something more. It probably has something to do with these crazy dreams I’ve been having lately and all the romantic comedies I’ve been watching lately. I swear movies like that are probably the reason why I can’t find anyone and basically choose to be alone. I think I have unrealistic expectations. It’s not that I have this perfect picture of what I want in a guy. I just have a couple ideals that I doubt I’ll be able to find in any man (especially in this city, state, country). However I keep hoping that someday someone will surprise me and prove me wrong.

Anyway.. I digressed a bit there. I’m already on a mission this year on change. It started with Weight Watchers, which by the way, I’ve lost almost 20 pounds in two months! And now I find myself a little reluctant to embrace more change. I’ll just admit for a second that I sometimes feel like I have social anxiety. When I go out around people I don’t have any problem talking if someone will strike up a conversation with me but I think my self-esteem has ruined me. I have this fear that nobody wants to talk to me or that nobody likes me or all these stupid insecurities. It’s all very silly. And then sometimes when I do have a pleasant conversation with someone, I’ll go home and critique what I said and sometimes will literally insult myself for saying something that I deem stupid. Once I get to know someone better and I’m more comfortable being myself around them this all goes away though. So it’s just getting out there, out of my comfort zone that’s the hard part. So I made a decision this week to do it. I technically made the decision nearly a month ago but then I convinced myself not to and so now I’m trying to force myself back into it. It’s not going to be easy at first, but I think it’s something I need to do for myself.

I’ll stop being cryptic for a second and elaborate. I’m going to volunteer for my church’s second campus. This isn’t really a new thing, in fact I’ve tried to serve in the Worship band and auditioned several times and I felt a little beaten down over it because I was told I was an alternate and then never got called. So I felt like they were being dishonest with me and now they’re starting up another one and holding auditions and as much as I’d love to that, I don’t want to put my confidence through the ringer again. Especially not when I’m trying to improve that! So instead I’m going to try and volunteer on the host team where I will either be a greeter, an usher, or at the hospitality counter giving out drinks and snacks. The orientation is Wednesday evening so I guess we’ll see how it goes. I just hope I meet new people this way and stop being so uncomfortable in a social setting.

On top of that, I feel like desperate times call for desperate measures. I don’t like where I am right now relationally and I’m not just talking about my love-life. I’m talking about my friendships too. I have this desire to have close friends that will drag me out when I’m in a slump and take me out of my comfort zone whether I like it or not. I’ve never had that. My closest friendships were when I was really young and we (well I guess it was just me) grew apart. I was damaged and we went to separate schools so we lost touch. Facebook depresses me lately because I can see those friends and how they still have their childhood friendships and I feel so out of the loop. IT SUCKS! However, on the other hand. I also have high expectations when it comes to friendships. I don’t want friends that are about going out and partying or go bar-hopping every night. I just want good conversation and fun times without having to resort to drugs and alcohol. Seems these days, friends like that are few and far between.

I am dragging this on longer than I intended. Anyway, I’m on this journey for change this year. I want this and more importantly I need it! Let’s leave it at that!

I’ve also started playing Aion again. It’s nice to get away and make a fresh start on a game. It’s resembling my life. Trying to start fresh and get myself back out there.

Becca wrote on
Jun 20, 2010   •   03:45 pm

You’ve lost 20 lbs in 2 months on WW? Is that combined with exercise or just changing your eating?
Becca´s last blog ..I envy your rose coloured glasses; I cannot unlearn what I know now.

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Angie wrote on
Jun 20, 2010   •   03:48 pm

Yep! It’s mostly been just counting my points! But I have been walking in place while watching TV too, ROFL!

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Angel wrote on
Jun 23, 2010   •   12:11 pm

I too have really high expectations, which is probably why I don’t really have as many friends or close friends as people would expect because I’m so bubbly and open all the time (not really the case, lol). As time went on, I just grew to accept that because I realized that I was just never going to find someone who understood that.

2 things in my life happened. I met Robby who introduced me to his friends and met someone he’s known since he was in 1st grade that I completely didn’t mesh with AT ALL. I thought she was a bitch, she thought I was a bitch and so on and so forth. Randomly one day I decided to add her on my LJ and she surprisingly accepted and we got to know each other through our writings. It was from that point we realized the reason we didn’t like each other is because we are too much alike, lol. She’s the first friend I’ve ever had that gets it.

Then many years after that I met Jenn, who kind of restored my faith in friendships online because after the whole Alecia thing, I crumbled. I just couldn’t open myself up for that again and found that with Jenn I didn’t have to, it happened naturally.

So while yes, I’m still guarded and still believe that no one can meet my expectations, I have been pleasantly surprised. I think if you open yourself up just a little the same will happen in regards to you and I really hope it does! You’re a great giving person and deserve friends who value that and you.

And lastly in my novel of a comment, I didn’t grow up with childhood friends either. My dad was in the Navy so we moved around a lot so I have never had a friend that I’ve known since I was a child. For awhile I was sad about that, but then I realized that maybe it’s a good thing because people change and I’d rather connect with people as the person I am now. Angel´s last blog ..If I Had One Wish, I`d Wish For You To Be Happy

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Angie wrote on
Jun 24, 2010   •   03:14 pm

Thanks for this comment, Angel! It’s good to hear I’m not the only one with such high expectations! And you’re right! I don’t want to necessarily be their friends, but sometimes the story of that lifetime friendship (while probably not realistic) just seems so appealing.

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