It feels like every year the same thing keeps happening. I know I haven’t done everything right up until this point in my life, but I feel like I’ve learned from my mistakes. I try so hard to be a compassionate person who forgives and gives people the benefit of the doubt time and time again. I ignore the warnings that others give me, I give people far too many chances because I truly believe people can change and that people deserve a chance at redemption. Only to get stomped on time and time again. It goes to show you, no matter how nice you are and how much you do for other people, it makes no difference.

People who don’t even know me, who have never even tried to get to know me on a personal level could tell you all about the person they believe I am. I’m a “bitch,” I’m “insecure,” I start ~drama~. I’ve been tried and convicted by people who hardly know me or don’t know me at all. And in fact, most of these people who say these things, probably can’t even show you or tell you exactly how I treated them poorly, personally. Even when I’m unhappy, disappointed, or frustrated with people, I try to treat them with the utmost kindness. I’ll admit that sometimes I’ve said things impulsively on twitter, but have always regretted it later and what I’ve said doesn’t even hold a candle to what has been said about me. They take my actions and the actions I take on my message board to keep things calm, and morph them into these theories that I am such an evil person. I don’t understand. How did I wrong you? What, precisely, did I do to harm you? How do I deserve to be constantly called a bitch? I’m the one that ignored everyone and gave you another chance.

The other thing that gets me is why is it people will blame others for their pain when their pain is a direct consequence of a choice they made? I’ve come to realize most people just don’t take responsibility for their own mistakes. It’s always someone else’s fault. WHY? Mistakes are part of who we are! Each of our lives is a direct result of our choices, good or bad! Don’t pass off your actions to someone else! OWN THEM. Take responsibility for them, good or bad! I’m not too proud to admit when I’ve done something wrong, I don’t particularly enjoy it, but admitting that I make mistakes proves I am human.

Anyway, here I sit. I’m hurt, upset and I feel betrayed. Why? Because people who were on their way to being my friends decided that instead of being upfront with me about something they were doing, they’d just keep it a secret. And they don’t understand. They think I’m upset because they decided to “spread their wings” that I’m upset because they’re “doing something for themselves.” That is absolutely not the case. More power to them. I wish them good luck! But if what they were doing was so innocent, why the big charade? They say they were treated “like shit” and that they are “hurt” but how do you think we felt, when we find out that you’ve been dishonest for weeks? And before you say “we didn’t lie, we just didn’t tell you”. Lying by omission is still lying. Is this any different than a husband “not telling” his wife he’s been having an affair with his secretary? No, it’s not. It’s the same thing. Stop playing the victim and claiming you’re so “hurt” and crying over a lost friendship, when you’re the one who pulled the pin out of the grenade.

In fact, I’m even more surprised by recent events because at least one of you was thoroughly aware of the last time something like this happened and you knew how I felt when my “friends” decided to keep the truth from me then. And yet, you didn’t think that you at least owed me a simple heads up? And let’s be honest (marvel concept, I know) for a minute, you’re probably only upset because after reading what I said the other day, you’re feeling a little guilty. As you should! You screwed up. And yet still only one person has even tried to talk to me about it. And afterwards, I felt so much better. I was good with it. I don’t think I’m asking for too much when all I want is a little honesty. Maybe I had a brief childish moment when I unfollowed everyone from twitter, but it’s my twitter and since it wasn’t important for me to know about your plans, it shouldn’t be important for me to see what’s going on in the rest of your life, so I figure I saved you the trouble.

But now? Why the attacks on me? How am I starting drama? I responded to a tweet attacking my friends and I and made a comment about “birds of a feather”. This is mild in comparison to the weeks of cryptic tweets from each of you. I posted one random thought on my own message board which is not unlike what I’ve posted here. This is a free country. It is my twitter, my board and my blog. I think I have the right to defend myself when people are shooting out accusations or pretending to know what I’m doing or how I’m feeling. If you want to know what I think, IM me and ask me. We’ll talk it out. But don’t pretend to know me based on what you’ve heard people say about me. You might be surprised to find out I’m nothing like you’ve been made to believe. Some of you should already know that. And if I made you feel otherwise, I’m sorry. If you had given me the opportunity to fix it, I probably could have.

Beyond that, I’m not going to apologize for being a truth-seeker and valuing honesty. The truth can never hurt you, only the lack of it can.

“The truth is still your weapon to wield, not theirs.”
- Mr. Beckett, Castle

It’s been an interesting week, to say the least. I was picking up my little sister from school on Tuesday and got a call from my Mom. It was far too early for her to be calling from home, but she was. Turned out that she fell at work, AGAIN and broke her wrist pretty bad. She wanted me to leave work early and take her to her doctor appointment to see an Orthopedic Doctor. They told her she had to have emergency surgery the next day to get some pins and a metal plate put in. Pretty crazy. So Wednesday morning we had to get to the hospital at 6AM. Such a long day. We didn’t get home until 2PM! Needless to say I was exhausted. It was strange being on my own waiting for someone to get out of surgery. I’m used to sitting there with Mom waiting for one of my brother’s many procedures he had while he was alive. Anyway, everything went well and she’s on the road to recovery. Unfortunately she broke her right wrist and she’s right handed so she can’t do much yet. She’ll probably be off work for a month, but they’re already giving her quite a fuss about it. Workman’s Comp might not even cover it because they’re trying to act like nothing is wrong with the carpet that Mom and a couple others have tripped over.

This weekend, depending on how Mom’s feeling, I’m going to go to MacArthur Center with Keight and Sarah. I’ve never driven to Norfolk myself (well, I have, but I was following someone and it wasn’t to Downtown Norfolk) so I wanted to get used to the drive because a week from Saturday is the Owl City/Lights/Deas Vail concert. SOO excited! So it should be exciting once I shake off all the jitters of the drive. I’m hoping our trip to Downtown Norfolk this weekend will get rid of those.

Speaking of jitters, I’ve been really anxious today. A couple weeks ago I got a letter from the City Circuit Court. Jury Duty. It starts February 1 – April 2 but I have a Meeting I have to go to next Thursday. I’m crazy nervous even though I shouldn’t be. After surviving the craziness this week all by myself, I think I can handle a simple meeting next Thursday evening. I’ll just keep praying that God calms my nerves. He’s in charge, I just gotta remember to rely on him and he’ll take my anxiety away!

I swear, this month has been a crazy one. 2010 started off with a bang and so far I’d have to say that’s not a “good” bang. I’m just hoping the rest of the year will be better. I still have this feeling that there is serious change due for my life this year and if this month has been any indication, that’s certainly true. Already this year has been such a learning experience for me. It’s time to stop depending on the safety blanket of my parents for everything, and be more independent. I’m a grown woman, I should probably start acting as such in how I live my everyday life.

Another obstacle this year has brought about, is once again. Drama! Who knew?! Anyway, it’s mostly sorted itself out, but I have this intuition like none other and thus, I have this amazing talent for uncovering the truth, even when I’m not trying to. Maybe it’s because I’m obsessed with that show on FOX, Lie To Me or maybe since I grew up around lies and have grown up despising what they do, I have a sixth sense when it comes to it. I’m fairly certain there is nothing I hate more than liars (okay, other than bugs, anyway. AHHA!). And this month… most specifically this week, I’ve had people outright lie to me when I have tried to prompt them to tell the truth. And contrary to popular belief, I’m not stupid. When certain things happen at the same time in such a way that is obviously meant to be “vague”, alarms go off. Just what could you be doing that is so ~exciting~ yet so discreet? My friends, I’ve known. I’ve been there, done that, and bought the t-shirt. I was 75% sure of what was happening, however I didn’t care to seek out the truth because I knew that with the overall lack of common sense, intelligence and knowledge that the internet is a very small world, the truth would reveal itself in due time. AND SO IT DID! Right into my lap (or email inbox, in this case) fell the truth. The funny part? Though you think I care, I don’t! Go on with your bad selves. Give it your best shot and enjoy the ride!

The only thing I had a problem with is the lies. They make me so angry. They ruin trust, relationships and most of all.. it’s just so cowardly. A little honesty goes a long way and most times you will find that honesty will get you out of a jam much faster than lying your way out of it. I might be a lot of things, but at least I am honest AND caring. Most people lack one or the other or both of those traits. I lose my patience with people, but I always always try to treat everyone with the utmost respect and give them the benefit of the doubt more than I should. And that’s what is real.