Dreams

I just got finished watching the movie Julie & Julia. Each week my Dad goes to Blockbuster to rent the New Releases and over the weekend we trade them back and forth. I had never even heard of the movie but he said it was pretty good and my Mom and I sat down to watch it with dinner without even knowing what it was about. Little did I know that it would inspire me to post a blog after having not posted anything since November 30th!

Funny thing about me and movies. The first few bars of the score will either send me off with a “Oh this is going to be good.” feeling or a “meh.” feeling. The very first thing I notice in a movie is the composition. I have this incredible passion for Movie Scores. I don’t know where it came from or why but for me, the quality of the score determines a hit or miss movie. I knew instantly into Julie & Julia that I would love it. And I wasn’t at all surprised when “Music by: Alexandre Desplat” popped up shortly after I had already come to that conclusion. He is definitely in my list of favorite score composers right up there with John Williams, Danny Elfman and Hans Zimmer.

Anyway, I digress. That movie was really something I needed to see. For almost a month now I have been in a such a low place. I don’t really even know why. I love this time of year and I must admit I am so excited about the gifts I’m giving this year and the gifts I might be receiving. I love the smell of that crisp cold winter air and seeing the sparkling Christmas lights all around. I love the reason for the season and I love spending every Sunday night with my Mom and remembering the true meaning of Christmas by lighting out little advent candles. And yet, for some reason I find that I am folding deeper and deeper into myself.

I am an imaginative person and I feel like because of that, I don’t really fit in out in the real world. The priorities and desires that most people have, I just don’t. So many people live for the little rites of passage. But me? For as long as I can remember I’ve tried to avoid them. I’m not really sure why, unless it has something to do with my parents divorcing when I was young. But because I walk to the beat of my own drum where rites of passage are concerned, I find that I really don’t fit in.

I didn’t live out all 4 years of High School planning the ~perfect~ Prom. I didn’t spend my entire Senior Year not being able to “wait” to go away to College. In fact, one of my teachers vilified College so much that the idea completely terrified me. Not to mention my first semester was beyond a nightmare and I decided to educate myself by other means. The idea of a wedding, planning or attending, stresses me out to the point that eloping looks like the way to go. Having Kids? Each year that passes I find myself completely rejecting the idea.

Does this make me crazy? I’ve been wondering this more and more. Or maybe I’m just tired of having my face rubbed in everyone else and their over-enthusiasm for life’s milestones. I’m tired of seeing the engagement/wedding pictures, receiving shower/wedding invitations, and mostly I’m tired of family and friends asking me if I have found Mr. Right yet. No, I haven’t. And quite frankly I’m pretty sure he doesn’t exist. At least not for me. And ya know what? I’m okay with that. I don’t need a man to complete me. I just want to live my own life without the rest of the universe trying to lead me down the same paths they want to take. I’m not like you! I don’t want to be a mindless drone headed down a path that will eventually lead me to heartbreak or to a broken family. You might think I’m being cynical, but I’m just being real. I don’t want to put myself or anyone else through what I went through as a kid and I don’t want to end up like some of my friends who are already heading down a path that will inevitably lead to complete destruction or that already has led to complete destruction.

Okay, enough of this. I realize this might sound depressing or unhappy. Essentially it is. But really it’s just a rant to the universe. I get that most of the world is all about the unrealistic fairy tales and that they are so ~happy~ that they want to rub everyone’s faces in it. Good for you!! I’m happy for you, I hope it turns out! But me? I’M TIRED OF SEEING IT. I realize that I am basically the only person left in my high school class that is single, not engaged and NOT married, but I don’t need the reminders!

This has been a big digression but it’s something that has been irritating me! I wish I could just go on Facebook for the games and that the rest of the world would just ignore me like they always have. I’m invisible and I’ve been that way so long that I’m quite used to it.

edit: By the way. I’m sorry if I have offended anyone or if I’m being Debbie Downer. I don’t mean to beeee! I’ve just been wanting to get that out and I feel better now that I have so it’s back to the happy-go-lucky me.